For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time - "Nothing In My Way," Keane

I haven't posted on here for a loooooong time and I don't even think anyone reads this anymore and I really should be studying for my remaining 3 finals, but I can't concentrate and I need to vent.  Thngs are finally where I want them to be, and I'm finally happy again after years of being angry and hurt inside, and now it's all crumbling down again.  I'd hate to be selfish about this, because I've finally learned not to be anymore in these past few months, but I'm just so sick and tired of people leaving me...  This is exactly the reason why I avoided relationships for so long before.  I can't handle it!  I'm only human, isn't it natural for me to be upset?  I haven't felt this way in so long... 

8 months could change everything.  Of course I'm not going to hold him back; if it were me, I'd do the same thing.  But I'm not going to lie--there's a small part of me that wishes he'll say no, yet I know we'll both regret it if he does.  I'm just frustrated.  I know relationships are never easy but I don't want to have to put so much effort into making it work... because if I do end up having to exhaust myself over this, especially over 8 months, I'll start thinking that maybe this wasn't meant to be, and I'll wind up exactly where I wound up 3 years ago.  I really don't want to go back there, it's a lonely and scary place...  And I know I shouldn't compare the two situations because they're completely different but I can't help but be scared of losing this.  I'll be very surprised if things are exactly the way they are now after 8 months.

No matter what, I'll be supportive of whatever he decides to do.  But I'm upset, and I really can't be right now.  I just don't want things to change...

It's not my fault, I don't care, I don't regret a single thing - "You Can Have It All," Kaiser Chiefs

So school's finally begun and a million things have changed...I'm definitely not the same person I was 3 years ago.  It's strange.  I have a whole new set of friends, and my old friends are more acquaintances than anything now...they don't really know what's going on in my life anymore, and I know I'm to blame, but for some reason I don't feel as guilty as I thought I would...  I'm also more focussed on my education and my career than I was 3 years ago, yet I'm having so much more fun at the same time--does this mean I've finally mastered time management?  We'll see when midterms roll around I guess!  And oh my past...I'm finally happy again.  I never thought I would be, and definitely not this soon afterwards, but here I am, and in a way I feel like I'm only setting myself up for failure again but this feeling is so familiar...even if it isn't him, it's a good place to be.  For now anyways.  I doubt it'll be much longer before I start running again...

I hate change.

We'll write our names in stars - "Blow Away," Elias

To whoever still reads this thing: You will notice that I update consistently less and less.  This is because WOW!, I have a life this summer apparently!  Who knew!  Shorter updates seem to please more people as well, so there you go.  To keep this brief, I vomited on the weekend in Seattle and wasn't consciously myself during the Chili Peppers' set; despite all of that, this weekend was definitely one of the best of this summer.  Hallie leaves on Saturday which means school's just around the corner--to be precise, 2.5 weeks.  2.5 FRICKIN WEEKS.  DAMMIT.  While good things are going to be coming of this, worse things outweigh everything else because this means my 4 months of sanctuary is coming to a close very shortly so as to welcome 8 months of pure HELL.  This also means I'll be updating this thing like every day.  KILL ME NOW.

Intoxicated by a quarter to ten - "Naked In The City Again," Hot Hot Heat

I chose this lyric today because:

1) I desperately need to quit drinking, I've been drunk for about 3 weeks straight and my throat is KILLING me.  My mom has heard me coughing at nighttime and insists that I take better care of myself otherwise I'm going to get a big fat cold, but I'm pretty sure I'm coughing for other reasons at nighttime and it has nothing to do with an oncoming cold.  Especially since this cold has apparently been oncoming for 3 weeks now.  Yeah my throat is being eaten away from the inside out.

2) Hot Hot Heat is what Vancouver is experiencing LITERALLY, holy hell.  I would LOVE to be naked in the city (again?) at this moment, it's hot as fuck. 

My boy troubles suck.  NO DRAMA PEOPLE!  That's what they taught me at work!  And there's drama galore...  To cut it short, I have made a few mistakes these past few weeks, the biggest of which was pretty much getting roped into something that I don't want to do.  Blah.  Also I realized that there's 6 weeks left until school starts up again, which blows.  Along the same lines, tonight I can choose between UBC frat party, in which someone will be there...or Shyne, in which someone else will be there...or sleep, in which I will just be happy keeping out of FUCKING DRAMA.  Fucking Saturday night.

You haven't shown your face here since the bad news - "Bruised," Jack's Mannequin

I hate him for making me happy.  I really do.  And now I'm stuck here counting down the days until he comes and goes yet again...I'm tired of it...Dammit he's got me pining.  I DON'T PINE.  GODDAMN.

In other news work is eating up my life.  There's a guy I work with who smells exactly like him, it's insane.  I get confused sometimes as I secretly pined for him awhile back too.  OK maybe I still do to an extent but not really, and in any case, knowing me, it was inevitable.  And anyways, single and attached, hello...  But all in all I'm somehow managing to balance work with piano and my social life and concerts and sleep and my most important and favourite pastime, drinking.  I do not know how, but I am alive and breathing and well, so there you go.

Who needs Sasquatch when you have Endfest AND Bumbershoot?  Road trips #2 and #3, right there.  I also got free beer at the free Hot Hot Heat show last Thursday, it was awesome.  And Dashboard this Sunday!  This summer will be the best yet.